“December to Remember”

Apparently, that’s what people who are gettin’ ready to make romance-related life decisions call this time of year. Or so says one of the comments on my friend’s Facebook status, the status that reads, “IF ONE MORE PERSON GETS ENGAGED, I WILL FLY INTO THE SUN.”

Yep. They’re at it again. The aforementioned friend and I went to the same university, but while we might have a newly engaged person or two in common, she and I are probably talking about separate friend groups… which kind of makes this worse. Last week, over the course of two days, FIVE people I know got engaged. Five. Two from my university (one is graduated, one is not), two from my theatre internship (they got engaged to each other), and one from home. And those are only adding to the five or so other people who got engaged earlier this month. I am going to scream and cry.

I tried screaming and crying at home, where I was when I found this out, but my parents weren’t having it. My mom told me to drop it. My dad said, “It’s just the right time for some people.” But neither of those comments helps me. Because I can’t drop it. I could only drop it if the engagements, marriages, and children were not piling up, proving that THAT is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, not the hodge podge of things that I’m actually doing. If it’s the right time for them, as my dad claims, why isn’t it the right time for me?

When I sobbed this question to my mother a little over a month ago, in the deepest and most dangerous depths of my consuming sadness,  she told me that it’s not like I haven’t been doing anything with my life; I’ve been concentrating on school and my career. And yes, that’s true. But what’s also true is that all of these engaged/married/with kids people- or even those in general steady romantic relationships- have been doing that… and also finding the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. It’s very true that over these past few months, I have been sequestering myself more than usual, but that’s just the last few months. What about the last almost-twenty-three years? Am I really that unnoticeable?

And going off that last question, the answer to it seems to be… no. I am noticeable. I don’t know if it’s a new thing or I was just oblivious before, but I have recently picked up on the fact that guys do look at me. But… that’s it (well, besides the catcalls. But that’s the kind of noticing I can do without.) And to be honest, it doesn’t make me feel better when I tell someone I’ve only ever had one romantic relationship and they look all surprised and say something like, “But you’re so pretty.” Because if I am pretty, then what’s the problem? Yes, I know it’s all about the inside, but it’s the outside that attracts most people initially, and if there’s nothing wrong with my outside, then it stands to reason that the problem is the stuff that’s supposed to matter: my personality, my intelligence, etc. The stuff that’s supposed to make that person stick around. Pretty girls get asked out, at least, and if I am one of those… what’s the deal? I get looked at, and then I get passed over.

This is turning into more of a “pity me” post than I meant it to. I just find it frustrating that I’m so far behind on the important life events that 98% of my peers are entering into. Because now, even if I do get married in the future, I’ll never be in the “married in my early twenties” group. I missed that boat, and it’s not coming back for me. Nor do I have even a prospect, and that makes everything kind of worse. A lot of this, to me, means being chosen. My friends that are married, engaged, or in a relationship, have all been chosen. Someone likes them enough, romantically, to spend the rest of their life, or at least a significant amount of their life, with them.

I wouldn’t mind being chosen.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mrs. Flury
    Jan 15, 2013 @ 22:25:56

    Your writing is so poignant, Rachel, you make my heart ache. Remember that time can change so many things, including the way we see things.

    Your mother is very wise.


  2. Jenni
    Jan 24, 2013 @ 14:54:35

    Hi! I’ve been following your website for a long time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Atascocita Tx! Just wanted to mention keep up the good work!


  3. Russsian Romance Tours
    Jan 27, 2013 @ 06:28:57

    Great info. Lucky me I came across your blog by accident
    (stumbleupon). I’ve saved it for later!


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